The more I think about it, the crazier life is getting. I've had so many thoughts, many of which nobody will ever know of, including myself. For over 12 years, I've been training for knowledge, skills, and character, so I would be able to go out into the world and survive. But in less than 7 months, I'll be training to kill people. It seems like the anti-education. For so long, I've been taught how precious life is, and how I should hold it dear, while in a short while I will be taught how to most efficiently end it. Who am I to decide who lives or dies? Nothing is clear anymore, as there are so many gray lines.
Faith is something that I have much of, but what I have faith in I do not know. There are so many inconsistencies and irrelevancies for anything to be certain. I do not know if I believe in (g)od(s), or not. I know that I do believe in the guidelines set forth in the Qur'an, the Bible, the Torah, and other religious writings. I have a cross tattooed on my left arm, but I realized that for me it does not symbolize a belief in any particular system of ideals, but instead that every single one of us as human beings has a metaphorical "cross to bare". We will all have many challenges throughout life, and will in theory be "crucified" many times over. There won't always be someone there to lend you a helping hand. The tattoo is a reminder to myself of the constant, and infinite, struggles ahead.
I've gone through a great number of deaths in my life. I've stopped being a child, and have cast aside childish ways. I've fallen in and out of the right and wrongs groups. I've made right and wrong decisions. Every time, I am reborn in a new light. Then that light fades, I die, and then am again reborn.
I used to think that football and wrestling would be my way out of Moreno Valley. Everything used to be so planned out. I used to have such high hopes and dreams for the team. Then, when I saw that the leadership failed to unite the players, I gave up. I quit caring. I didn't see a point in playing for a team that wasn't a "team". It felt like a charade, a facade if you will. Every year it was always the same broken promises, broken spirits, and broken dreams. We always had the potential, but it was never utilized.
One thing that I've learned about myself, is that I want to be a leader amongst men. As Adolf Hitler once said:"Strength lies not in defense but in attack." Leaders are those that coordinate the attacks in a war, while followers are those that defend. As applied to my life, I would rather attack life, rather than defend against it. I would much rather steer my own course, than ride passenger. But, I have also realized that a true leader does not lead through words, but by action. When I pass from this Earth, I want to be remembered as someone that people could look up to and wish to be like in ideologies, but also someone that did not use their fame to get where they were. I want to become a leader all of my own accord. I do not want any handouts.
I will never cure cancer, end AIDS, or become a savior of the masses. Nor will anyone else. No matter what advances that man creates to further to path towards immortality, nature will always respond with a new plague, disaster, or ailment. Instead, I will fight nature as best as I can, and carve my own path throughout life. I won't follow in any person's footsteps, nor will I leave any behind for people to tread.
No matter whatever happens throughout life, I know I can survive. In my words, I can find freedom. No matter what persecutions or hardships I will ever face, I will always have my mind to take refuge in. Life is nothing but a battle. A battle that every human being will lose, but one that is not futile.
"Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones."
-Henry David Thoreau
Even though the winds will blow, the rain will fall, the fires will burn, and time will pass, there will always be the monuments in my mind. Monuments that, for eternity, will be as grand and spectacular as the day they were built. And it is in my mind that I will build the monument of my life.